I hate the changes I'm going through, especially the academic decline.
Studying used to be effortless. Memorizing hundreds of words was simple, and solving complex math equations posed no challenge
Now, everything feels different. Studying takes a tremendous amount of time. I struggle to memorize words and find even basic math problems difficult.
My memory is unreliable, and constantly confusing me. My mind feels constantly cluttered. This isn’t who I was before.
I’m changing, and it’s not for the best. I’m struggling and feel unprepared. My parents and siblings are not ready for this. I was their gifted child, but now even their gifted child is struggling without them knowing.
I feel like I’m trapped in a body that no longer serves me. My mind, once a powerful tool, now feels like a broken instrument. I’m desperate to regain control, to rediscover the sharpness of my intellect, but I don’t know where to begin.
I’M FAILING AND I’M NOT READY FOR IT.
Of course, there’s no single person in this universe who would like to fail. Every one of us wants to be successful and be on the top of the wheel.
I’m not ready for it, and I will never be ready. I still wish and hope that this is just a phase, a short phase. I’m begging hard and consistently to God that I can’t lose right now. I have to be successful because who am I without those achievements? I will be nothing. I will be no one.
I keep asking myself, "What if this doesn’t change? What if I never regain my academic footing?" The thought terrifies me. I’m afraid of losing my future, of not being able to achieve my dreams. I’m afraid of becoming someone I don’t recognize, someone who’s defined by their failures.
This academic decline is more than just failing grades. It’s a blow to my self-esteem, a constant reminder of my perceived shortcomings. It’s a feeling of isolation, like I’m the only one going through this, like everyone else is effortlessly succeeding while I’m drowning.
If I fail academically, I will also fail as a daughter, sister, and friend.
