And I wrote it in my notebook that I’ve seen better days
Than the ones as of late, I can’t bear the weight
The rain won’t stop pouring out my window pane
And I haven’t left my bedroom in 76 days
The rain outside mirrors the downpour of emotions within me, each drops a heavy sigh of despair. My reflection in the mirror is a stranger, eyes hollowed out, skin pale and lifeless. I’m a ghost in my own life, a shadow of the person I once was, fading away with each passing day.
The world outside is a blur, a chatter of noise and activity that I can barely process. I haven’t left my room in days, finding solace in the quiet darkness, hoping the storm will pass, hoping I can find my way back to the sun. But the sun seems so far away, and the rain keeps falling, washing away any hope of a brighter future.
I wish something would change
'Cause I’m losing faith
So I brought it up in a desperate prayer
Lord, why are you keeping me here?
And once again, just like those nights when I feel helpless and desperate. I found myself again on my knees, begging God to end the pain, to end my suffering.
The words catch in my throat, a choked whisper against the silence of my room. "Please," I plead, my voice barely audible, "take me." The weight of my despair is crushing, a suffocating blanket of hopelessness that I can’t seem to shake.
I’ve lost faith in myself, and in the world, but I cling to the hope that you, my God, will hear my plea. All I can do is look to the heavens and beg for release, for an end to this relentless suffering. Why is He still keeping me here when I’m beyond broken? Why is He keeping me here and watching my soul dying slowly?
Voices in my head and the pain in my heart are with me, begging God to take away the pain as I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle to face tomorrow anymore. I just wanted this pain to end, even if it meant death. I just wanted to be free from this never-ending cycle of hopelessness and suffering.
Then He said to me, "Child, I’m planting seeds
I’m a good God and I have a good plan
So trust that I’m holding a watering can
And someday you’ll see that flowers grow in the valley
And then, amid that desperate prayer. A tiny hope started blooming in my heart, whispering that I can do this, that I will get through this because God is a good God. It’s as if God told me that He never gives pain to someone more than what their soul can bear, as if He is telling me that all I have to do is trust Him and His plan for me.
So whatever the reason, I’m barely getting by
I’ll trust it’s a season knowing that you’re by my side
Every step of the way And I’ll be okay
And so, I will trust. I will trust that even in the darkness, God’s light shines.
I will trust that even in the darkest night, the dawn will come.
I will trust that even in the valley of my despair, flowers of hope will bloom.
