I am here again in a situation where I always try to get myself out; asking my efforts if it is enough or still not.
I was staring at nowhere after I failed to answer my teacher's question. Unwanted thoughts filled my head. I remember not sleeping and staying up all night to study. I skipped meals so that I could study. I mastered different studying techniques so that I could use them, yet why I haven't aced my oral? Why I haven't answered my teacher's question?
Images of my parents being disappointed in me because I didn't get a perfect score terrified me. The thought of them shouting at me, throwing inappropriate words at me, and telling me how disappointing I am makes me shed tears. The thought of them telling me that maybe I didn't study and didn't do my best gives me anxiety.
It’s not all just about academic validation too, but also from everything.
It made me start questioning myself. Are my efforts not enough yet? Is my best not enough yet? Are the skipped meals not enough yet? Are my sleepless nights not enough yet? Am I not enough yet? Why am I not enough? Will I ever be enough? To my parents? To my friends? To the other people?
God knows that I tried. I gave my best but why the result is not good? Why is it not enough? Why can’t I be enough? Will I ever be enough?
I always try to do my best. I always make sure to do my best; I sacrificed my youth for the validation I’m seeking. A validation that it seems like I can never have.
The weight of expectations, both self-imposed and external, presses down on me like a heavy shroud, suffocating the flickering flame of hope within me. Why do I constantly seek validation from others, yearning for a nod of approval or a word of praise to fill the void of doubt that lingers in the shadows of my mind?
The relentless pursuit of validation has become a never-ending quest, a journey with no clear destination in sight. Why do I place my worth in the hands of others, seeking approval and recognition as if they hold the key to my happiness and fulfillment? The echoes of self-doubt reverberate through the corridors of my mind, a symphony of insecurity that drowns out the whispers of self-compassion and self-acceptance.
Will I ever be enough? Why can’t I be enough?
